


The Normal Life of Okajima Taiga

by Pinklovely



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, M/M, don't take this seriously, karmagisa is in the background, the improper grammar is intentional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24788422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinklovely/pseuds/Pinklovely
Summary: A perspective no one seems to wonder about - a major character in Assassination Classroom - Okajima Taiga's normal life in Tokyo, Japan is explored; better and more traumatizing than everything Nagisa has ever experienced.
Relationships: Akabane Karma/Shiota Nagisa, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Okajima Taiga/Horniness, Okajima Taiga/Waitress (one-sided)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 16





	The Normal Life of Okajima Taiga

**Author's Note:**

> this is a crack fic written by my discord friend and I, don't take this seriously
> 
> everything here has been copied and pasted exactly from our discord conversation  
> enjoy

"this morning i jerked off to my secret folder before grabbing my cool bb gun and heading to school"

"then I saw big-boobed yada"

"while she was hiking up the mountain I made sure she was ahead of me"

"and man, i needed a bathroom break real quick after that

To cleanse my eyes with holy water of course"

"as a gentleman, the ladies should all be ahead of me when hiking :)"

"I will carefully look up and observe to see if they've made it up to the class building"

"I love and respect women"

"other than being a gentleman of course, I have no ulterior motive"

"Whoever made women deserve an oscar, because my god are they beautiful

I want to go out to dinner with all of them "

"oh god oh fuck I think kataoka's coming at me"

"she's holding a book in her perfectly manicured hands"

"kinda hot"

"but her expression isn't as she eyes me up angrily"

"I wonder if she looks hot at a worm's eye view"

"but man, i love me a dominatrix-

nevermind, she slapped me "

"wish she'd hit me harde-

oh god she slapped me again"

"Oh no all the girls are joining her

I'm being punched to death

And for some reason, my perverted heart and mind love it"

"okay so I'm supposed to clap my hands together to stun someone right

but no one said WHERE I had to clap"

he claps okano's ass cheeks and then dies

"kataoka said that I'm a horrible human being and scum of the earth, but I'm sure that's just her being tsundere, I can't wait for our first night"

"I'm currently being treated in the hospital, even the doctors are wondering how i'm still alive despite having 200 broken bones in my body

I don't think I can ever walk again

But at least my boys are here to support me

Karma broke my 201 bone"

"okuda was about to give me some miracle healing potion but then literally everyone else in the class stopped her"

"I asked korosensei if he would help me since I'm one of his students but he said as long as I'm not dead it's fine"

"also he stole my secret porn stash motherfucker"

"The doctors just diagnosed me with Chlamydia, can this day get even worse?

And as I lay in my bed, everyone else arround me screaming and fighting, trying to stop Okuda, the Butterfly Effect comes to my mind.

Could it all have been the porn videos I watched this morning?"

"Did they...cause all this?"

okajima starts to legitimately question and considers turning over a new leaf

but then he realises he's okajima, being horny is his whole character trait, he could never change that

And thus he gets even sadder, who is he if not the horny bastard who may or may not be a secret masochist?

among all the chatter of his classmates, he feels his eyelids become heavy

he opens up his eyes and then he sees and angel who shows him what the world is like without him

and then he finds out the world is actually better without him

He starts crying, clinging to the angel as he pleads to get killed for his friends' sake. If the world is such a great place without him, why does his own life matter anyway? His friends would probably be happy about it, too.

He feels the warm embrace of the angel hugging him back, and its beautiful voice saying.

"My child, your life is one of sin and tragedy. I am only showing you one of millions of worlds, but this one" he points down to the world underneath them "is one where you continue your shenanigans."

Okajima couldn't believe it.

okajima did what he was told

he continued to be horny, continued to get beat up, because he knew it was the right thing for him

kataoka cuts in "WAIT WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE LESSON IN THIS"

He got himself a beautiful girlfriend called Petunia, and lived happily ever after

* * *

7 years later

* * *

"oh yeah so karma and nagisa are dating but what I was paying attention to was the hot waitress who was serving them"

"Oh and btw karma and nagisa were fucking in the same room but that's okay i support it "

"and then maehara asks the waitress out, motherfucker stealing that hot bitch away from me"

"Oh you beautiful waitress, what a pity "

"I can hear kissing in the background but idc about them, my eyes were on the hot ass waitress"

"They were slowly starting to get undressed but i only had eyes for the beautiful female in front of me.

I wondered what her beautiful bust felt like"

"they were getting undressed in public, maybe it was disgusting but whatever, my heterosexuality was taking over me as I sprinted after maehara and the hot woman"

"and then out of nowhere monkey-ape okano jumped down and knocked maehara out cold"

"Well, that was the perfect opportunity to talk to her.

I walked up to the beautiful woman, using my deepest and sexiest Goofy voice as i leaned in to whisper in her ear:

'Hey babygirl, you like Jalapeños?'

She blushed and asked 'Why??'

I said 'Because you're gonna eat a lot of it tonight ;)'

"o-oh, I actually really like jalapenos!"

"Little did she know I was talking about actual Jalapeños"

"Or was I ;)"

"wait- is this supposed to be a date?" the woman asked

okajima replied, "yeah duh, I talked about jalapen-"

"well I'm a lesbian sorry"

_what_

okajima stopped dead in his tracks

Okajima's heart shattered, his breath hitched as he fell on his knees.

A...lesbian??

"But...I thought you were AMERICAAAAAAN" He screamed

**Author's Note:**

> with love to larry <3, my dear co-author  
> credits to [AssassinatingTearribly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssassinatingTearribly/pseuds/AssassinatingTearribly) for petunia


End file.
